Letters to the Non-Existent
by WallnutShadow
Summary: At Luna's suggestion, Ginny writes a series of letters to Tom Riddle during her sixth year as an attempt to deal with her experiences in first year.
1. Letter 1

Chapter 1

Dear Tom

Do those words ring a bell? If they don't, they should. I wrote them over and over in your diary a few years ago, at the top of paragraphs containing all my childish secrets. Above paragraphs containing my silly, pitiful little worries and fears. Paragraphs containing my love.

Do you remember now? Of course you don't. You don't exist anymore. The person that used to be you is now a balled thing with red eyes and a face like a snake's who calls himself lord Voldemort. That's what your evil deeds did to you. You are no longer Tom, although Tom was not much better in personality in the end. Are you proud of what you've become? Of course you are. Why do I bother asking?

So I'm writing this letter to you, because Luna said it might help. She's the only one I've confided my slightly less childish little worries to this year, because she has an open mind and nothing shocks her. She said that it would help to get rid of some of the weight I've been carrying around with me for five years.

For five years you've been haunting my nightmares. Always present, always there to torture me. As if you hadn't done enough. I dream of your betrayal. How you forced me to write my own death warrant and walk down for the last time into that chamber. The cruel things you spat at me. That I had never mattered to you. That I was a stupid fool to have honestly thought that you loved me. That anyone could love me. That you had used me because of my idiocy; because I was gullible. That you had used me to hurt people I cared about and that you would use me to kill Harry Potter; my big crush. I went on to date him, you know. He said he loved me, the same way that you did. But as you told me; love is for the weak. The weak like me.

And sometimes I just dream of long cold corridors. I run through them, always thinking I see you at the end. Then you disappear around the corner and you're nowhere to be seen when I reach it. I search and search, and I never find you, but I hear the echo of your laugh sometimes. Why I search for you, I don't know.

Then there are the other dreams. They aren't really nightmares, but I wake up with my pillow drenched in tears all the same. Do you remember when my tears would fall onto the pages of your diary? Did that give you strength? Do you remember that I once wrote that I loved you in my own blood on your pages when you were so angry that I threw you away? And that time you pretended to be jealous that I still had feelings for Harry? That satisfied you. I suppose because it gave you what you needed to become stronger.

Anyway, in the other dreams you take me into the diary as you sometimes would, and we would walk through your memory of Hogwarts. I dream of that picnic you prepared for us in a clearing in the forbidden forest. I was never afraid when I went in there with you. We sat in the moonlight eating dark chocolate cauldrons and drinking champagne. And I dream about that harp you brought which you enchanted to play music while you danced with me. Sometimes I dream of sitting with you next to the lake on a warm afternoon, and how you used to play with my hair and say that the sun made golden streaks in it. You said that the sun gave me some of its rays and had turned my hair into a fire. And we locked fingers and you trailed little patterns in the water with your other hand. I dream of the astronomy tower where you kissed me for the first time. Softly, and then more passionately, and I thought the fire in those handsome dark eyes meant that you loved me. I suppose it was something else. It doesn't stop me from dreaming of it though.

And you betrayed me. You betrayed me! I hate you! I hate you, but I also love you. And I've never stopped. I still love the bastard who grew up to be the thing that caused all this shit that I'm dealing with now. That's besides the memories of you. My brother, my best friend and my ex boyfriend are all on the run. The ex boyfriend that you so want to kill. And my best friend, a mudblood who you wouldn't even think twice about wiping off the face of the earth along with all the others you've had murdered. Or perhaps you'd just send her to Azkaban to suffer like some of the others. My entire family are in danger. You would have them tortured and killed for information. Hell; maybe just for being blood traitors. And you are the cause of what's going on at school. The reason my friends are being tortured by the Carrows. The reason Hogwarts isn't a happy or safe place anymore. The reason half our friends didn't come back this year. You are the reason Dumbledore is dead.

You always loved Hogwarts so much. Would you want to be in a Hogwarts like this one though, I wonder? I don't think even you would like it here. Of course you wouldn't be tortured, but the entire atmosphere is different. It's all suspicion, lies, danger… You don't hear much laughter in the corridors anymore. You caused it to be like this.

And I don't really understand, you know. I don't understand how someone so logical could end up starting a war over something so unscientific. Why do you hate muggles and muggleborns? Is it something that happened to you in that orphanage you never wanted to talk to me about? Because there's no scientific reason at all why muggleborns are below purebloods. And what would we gain by ruling the muggles? They can't do much for us. And what is so wrong about not possessing magic? I don't think you can really explain that. Yes, we are lucky and we are more powerful. We evolved differently to them. But is being different a cause for killing them? Why didn't you decide to hate gingers, for example, because they have a different hair colour to you? I must say, I'm disappointed. You used to tell me to be logical when I was doing my homework. You would explain to me in great length why it made more sense to add this or that ingredient to my potion first. If we argued about something, you would tell me I was letting emotion make me irrational, and you would explain to me in small steps how you came to your conclusions. I thought you were wonderful. But this obsession to dominate is irrational, and it involves emotions of hate that cloud rational judgment. Didn't you say emotions were a weakness?

So here I sit, debating with someone who doesn't exist. Someone that I am opposing along with my friends in the DA. I am fighting against you, and we are all rooting for Harry. We are all hoping he will kill you. Isn't it ironic? I still love the person you were, and am working towards the destruction of the person you've become. And when we all fight in that final battle, I might kill your supposed "friends" like you killed mine. I only wish I could see you one last time. If I did though, I don't know what I would do. Would I want to hold on to you, or kill you? Maybe I would do both. Maybe you would kill me first. And if you did, I would finally be rid of you. You would not have my mind to live in anymore.

So now I'm going to bake cauldron cakes with Luna. After that, I'll sit at the fire in the common room and listen to Finnegan's stupid jokes. And tonight I'll sneak out with Nevil and write messages of hope on the walls to make the Carrow's and Snape angry. And these are all things you'll never understand. The things I'm fighting for. Laughter, friendship, … love.

I love you, and goodnight

Ginny


	2. Letter 2

Letter 2

Dear Tom

So I wasn't writing for the last time after all, as I thought I would be. In a way, I feel weak for talking to you again. That I still need to. But you can't hear me, or read this. I suppose it's alright then, isn't it? You're not here to think what a stupid little fool I am.

Well, today Nevil and I were cruciated because they tried to get us to confess that we wrote the big "long live Harry Potter" message on the wall right at the front of the great hall. We didn't admit it. I don't know how I managed not to. I'm still shaking and it hurt so much! But at the same time I was enjoying how angry Amycus Carrow became when we refused to spill the beans. And I laughed at him as I left the office. I'm surprised he didn't come after me.

I'm also surprised, now that I think of it, that you never actually cruciated or hurt me much. Yes, I'm aware you were trying to charm me and obviously I wouldn't have been very charmed if you had used dark magic on me, but later in the year when you had me under your control anyway … it isn't because you loved me, I know. Maybe you just felt you didn't need to. I was always pretty compliant, wasn't I? Although you became so angry when I forgot you at the burrow and the time I threw you away in Myrtle's bathroom. You made me feel so guilty. Have you ever felt guilty Tom?

I wish I had been older. I would have had a better fighting chance, even if I didn't know all the things I know now. I might have seen through you much earlier. Perhaps I could have tried to bend you to my will. Not that I know what my will is anymore.

Alright, this is not helping today. I feel dead. Like this piece of paper in front of me. Like your diary is now. Like you are to me.

I love you, and goodnight

Ginny


	3. Letter 3

Letter 3

Dear Tom

It's Christmas eve and the past week has been the first time in ages that Hogwarts looked almost normal again. The elves have decorated all the corridors and draped tinsel all over the banisters. There are twelve Christmas trees again in the great hall, thanks to Hagrid. All the suits of armour are singing again and Peeves is still filling the silences when they can't remember the words with rude things. This year the rude things are all about the Carrows. We all egg him on.

I know you weren't much in to festivities, but did you love Christmas at Hogwarts? You can't have had many great Christmases at the orphanage. Or did you hate Christmas at Hogwarts too? You had nobody to give you presents; unless of course some of the followers you called friends gave you things. Still, I can't imagine you could possibly hate Christmas at Hogwarts.

I'm with my family now. I suppose I don't want to be around the Carrows, but I miss Luna and the others. It's also good to see all the family again; I always worry these days that every goodbye will be the last I say to one of them. Bill and Fleur are here. Fleur doesn't get on well with aunt Muriel. Aunt Muriel keeps telling her what to do and she can't stand it. She even told Fleur that the way she was wearing her hair the other day made her look untidy and ragged. Fleur is very proud of her looks; so she was so very angry that I thought she was going to curse Muriel.

This is the first Christmas in ages I haven't seen Ron and Harry. I miss them so much. I wonder where they are and what the hell they're doing.

I would love to know how Christmas used to be in your time. Was Hogwarts just the same as always? Of course I don't really hope you'll answer these letters, but sometimes I wish I had asked you some more questions when I was writing in your diary. I wonder if you got caught under the mistletoe often.

Anyway, I see that it's past midnight now, so merry Christmas.

I love you, and goodnight.

Ginny


	4. Letter 4

Letter 4

Dear Tom

I'm still at aunt Muriel's; I feel so frustrated that I can't be with my friends! They're still at school and still fighting. I don't want to be cooped up, safely protected like one of aunt Muriel's stupid china dolls in there little enchanted glass cases. I know they're safe, because I lost my temper the other day and blasted the whole room apart and the case was the only thing that didn't break.

And Nevil says Luna was taken by one of your lot off the train at Easter. Funny. "Your lot" is how Harry's relatives refered to witches and wizards. Anyway, I'm so incredibly worried about Luna! She has honestly become my best friend this past year. I can't imagine what could be happening to her. I hope she isn't being tortured. At least I know she would go into everything with a positive attitude. Probably end up teaching one of your big evil dark minions the tunes that crumple horned snorkacs most enjoy and that you should whistle If you want to call them.

Nevil has been sending me messages through the enchanted coins that Hermione gave us in my fourth year when we first started the DA. It seems they have all gone into hiding in the room of requirement now.

Did you ever find the room of requirement? You think you knew Hogwarts so well, but you never told me about the room. If you did know about it, is there some reason you didn't tell me? You did tell me about all the other passages and rooms you discovered. I wonder why you did even that? I suppose it was part of winning my trust, or else you were just so bored that it was fun to talk a little. You never shared anything of substance with me though; or at least I don't think you did. For all I know, the things you told me about your school days and the "feelings" you had about certain things were lies.

I wish you could have met Umbridge. I wonder if you would have been rude to her, or whether you would have charmed her like the other teachers. All the same, I can't imagine you liking her. Yes alright, you're both evil, I know, but she was so annoying too!

I love you, and goodnight

Ginny


	5. Letter 5

Letter 5

Dear Tom

A few things have happened since I last wrote.

I got a letter from Luna! She's been saved, and apparently Harry got away from right under your nose again. Can't feel too good, since you always seem to be just too slow. Or at least the old man version of you is.

Dobby the house elf died. Was killed by Bellatrix, another woman stupidly devoted to you.

Remus's baby has been born, and we all could be happy about something for a change. I was also happy, because Remus let slip that Harry, Ron and Hermione were all safe at Bill and Fleur's. Of course I wanted to go and see them, but nobody will let me out of this blasted place.

And this morning they actually broke into Gringotts! They stole something and escaped on a dragon! I laughed and laughed when I heard. I suppose they are one step closer to destroying you, and you must be frustrated beyond belief again.

I remember how you could rant sometimes. I always found it a little amusing, except when it was directed at me. Then I was scared. I also didn't find it very funny when you ranted against the people at your orphanage. I assumed they treated you horribly, and that you were really just sad. I was really naïve, wasn't I. I suppose you were right when you said…

Sorry Tom, my coin was burning and I had to check. Harry Ron and Hermione have turned up at Hogwarts and Nevil let me know we're all going to go back and make a final stand. Of course I'll go. Fred and George will come and get me, I'm sure. They'll sneak me out so that mum and dad don't notice. Of course, the order will also be going soon.

I have a feeling that tonight might be the night you will finally be gone from this world Tom. Gone forever. The Tom part of you is long gone anyway, so why should I be sad?

Maybe a part of me hopes that there will be some kind of salvation for you, where you will be given a second chance and where you will experience some remorse. Remember me, if that should happen. Remember that, even though I hate you, a part of me will always love you. If I die tonight, I might see you on the other side.

Goodnight, and goodbye

Ginny


	6. Letter 6

Dear Tom

Here I am. Next to the fire amongst people I love. You can never take that away from me. But you and your worshipers took my brother, Remus, Tonks, Moody, Colin, Sirius, Susan, Terry, Jimmy, Lavender… How I hate you. My only regret is that I wasn't the one to kill you. I find it hard to believe that lord Voldemort was you, Tom, although you were as much of a traitor. You made my life hell.

They never knew how long it took me to recover. All those nightmares you sent me went unnoticed to them. I had to grin and bare it. And I know you will haunt me for the rest of my life. You were my first love, and I will never stop loving and hating you. But you're gone now. Finally.

I did heal. I will heal. My time with Harry in fifth year was the best time of my life. That includes the times you took me to the lake in your diary. He really did care. I think he still does.

You know, there's joy In my life now. I have true friends. Luna understood about you. She was the only one I really confided in. Even when we were fighting you so hard last year, I could still laugh at Finnigan's jokes, get excited at the rumors that Nevil and Hannah fancied one another, debate with Luna about the possibility of putting a finkset that, according to her eats your vocal cords, in the Carrows' tea, and be so so glad that Harry, Ron and Hermione made it out alive. My brother, my best friend after Luna, and my man. And yes he is that.

I went to the chamber last year. I didn't tell you about that in my previous letters. I remember the noises you made to get in there, and I did it. I don't know why. It hurt so much when I walked past all those snake heads, saw the dead thing on the floor, … I thought I saw you for a second. I just sat there all night, thinking of you. I was in a state when I left, and I slept all day. I missed classes and got into trouble with the Carrows, but I could smile all through my torture, because I knew I had almost left you behind in the chamber.

I wonder if Harry has left you behind. He seems relieved, for obvious reasons. I think he is also starting to heal.

I'm annoyed that he hasn't asked me to the ball yet, although Hermione assures me that he wants to. The idiot has the courage to off lord Voldemort, but can't scrape up the courage to ask a girl, who's already snogged him, to a dance. I'll be wearing an emerald green dress with a tight bodice and a flaring skirt, a necklace with a green stone that he bought me two years ago, and my hair undone, because he likes it.

I'm pretty proud of Ron for asking Hermione. Alright, they have been together for a while, but I didn't think he had it in him to be romantic. I hope he marries her.

Anyway, quidditch has been going very well so far, and Slughorn introduced me to the whole Harpy team at the last party. I wasn't looking forward to the party, but it was honestly the luckiest evening of my life! They came to watch one of my games, and suddenly I have an appointment to try out for the team when I finish school. I'm obviously incredibly excited!

I will heal, Tom, and there's nothing you can ever do anymore to stop me.

Good night, and goodbye

Ginny


	7. Letter from the Non-existent

Letter from the non-existent

Dear Ginevra

I'm gone now. Gone in all conventional senses, at least. I can't tell you what became of me.

However, I can tell you that not everything my diary said was a lie. Everything I said about Hogwarts in my time was true, for example.

You seem to have grown into a strong young woman. So full of rage, aren't you? A girl on fire. No longer the silly little girl.

But I can tell you just two more of my secrets. I can tell you that I was not lying when I said that I loved you. That small part of my soul that was trapped in the diary did actually somehow learn to love. Do you not see that that was the reason I had to get rid of you? A weakness like that would have prevented me from rising to power again. And besides, that part of my soul was programmed for survival. The only way I could do that was by betraying you. But all the same, I was weak. Years of loneliness in that diary made me susceptible to your foolish emotions. The part of your soul that you poured into me turned me into this thing; pathetic, despicable, weak like you, Potter and Dumbledore.

My second secret: as you know, you poured your heart and soul into me. You did this until I was strong enough to pour some of my soul back into you. The piece of soul that is now in you is far too small to accomplish anything. It can only watch. Watch you until you die. I'll have to watch you marry Potter, kiss him, copulate with him, bare his children, live happily without me. Perhaps that is the hell I deserve for the things you say I did that were so terrible. And my only hope is that I can also sometimes haunt you like I have been doing all these years. I hope I can still influence your dreams, so that you wake up crying for me as you lie next to Potter. Yes, the weak part of me hopes you end up happy, but the part that is still me wishes you go through hell like I will be doing. For turning me into this weak creature; for moving on with your life. You were always firey. I hope you burn. Burn for melting my ice barriers.

And now, Ginevra, I will also say:

I love you, and goodnight

But never goodbye

Tom Marvolo Riddle


End file.
